你是一隻大笨象
沉重但可愛
愛是一隻大笨象
沉重但可愛
愛是一隻大笨象
誰也無可替代
而對著一隻大笨象
無奈 卻沒法不愛
沉重但可愛
Thursday, May 24, 2007
愛是一個決定？
「愛是一個決定。」
Daniel如是說。KWX如是說。
我曾經也這樣以為。
愛是決定。愛是付出。愛是受苦。
耶穌在世界的一生就表現了這樣的愛。
那時的我說：我要學像耶穌。
於是我每天去決定。
可惜．．．我不過是一個人．．．
我受不了苦．．．我放棄了．．．
我告訴自己：愛不可能是這樣的。
如果愛是這樣的，我承擔不了．．．
畢竟，我只是一個人．．．
然後，我對愛有了新的體會。
愛，其實可以很簡單直接。
只要做回自己，那就是愛了。
我發現愛裡竟然也有幸福，也有快樂。
但到了今天，我猶豫了．．．
我是找對了？還是想錯了？
究竟愛，到了最後，是不是只是一個決定？
Daniel如是說。KWX如是說。
我曾經也這樣以為。
愛是決定。愛是付出。愛是受苦。
耶穌在世界的一生就表現了這樣的愛。
那時的我說：我要學像耶穌。
於是我每天去決定。
可惜．．．我不過是一個人．．．
我受不了苦．．．我放棄了．．．
我告訴自己：愛不可能是這樣的。
如果愛是這樣的，我承擔不了．．．
畢竟，我只是一個人．．．
然後，我對愛有了新的體會。
愛，其實可以很簡單直接。
只要做回自己，那就是愛了。
我發現愛裡竟然也有幸福，也有快樂。
但到了今天，我猶豫了．．．
我是找對了？還是想錯了？
究竟愛，到了最後，是不是只是一個決定？
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
HUGE Suprise from CCC
BIG TOE
Big Toe is very busy, but he's
going to take care of
everything. Just Watch.
At first, Big Toe may seem a
little slow...until you realize
he's always one step ahead.
Those donuts you were saving for tomorrow?
Gone.
Those leftovers from the picnic?
Done.
Big Toe's on top of things!
An unstoppable force of knowledge,
Big Toe's got the scoop
on all the latest info, and knows
what's going down at all times...
Except for when it comes to you.
What's up with you?
Big Toe wants to know.
Big Toe is very busy, but he's
going to take care of
everything. Just Watch.
At first, Big Toe may seem a
little slow...until you realize
he's always one step ahead.
Those donuts you were saving for tomorrow?
Gone.
Those leftovers from the picnic?
Done.
Big Toe's on top of things!
An unstoppable force of knowledge,
Big Toe's got the scoop
on all the latest info, and knows
what's going down at all times...
Except for when it comes to you.
What's up with you?
Big Toe wants to know.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
An email
--------------------------------------------------
From: Scarlet Ma
Date: May 16, 2007
Subject: Re: Dear Darling...
To: Dorothy
--------------------------------------------------
Hey Darling
Just as I've discussed with Daniel, I believe there's a God. But why does it have to be the Christian God? That's the question!
I'm lost, because when I said I left Christianity, it means I've also left behind the whole way of life that religion tells me to live. Saying that I'm a Christian is a relatively easy way to know how to lead my life. I read the Bible, go to Church, and do what the Bible and the Church tells me to. The Bible and the Church people also tell me who I am, the reason why God created me, my purpose in life... And Church makes sure that you have someone to turn to when you are desperate. Christianity is the whole package. It's easy, much easier than to go through the painful process of finding out all the answers for yourself.
But I don't want to be lazy. I'd rather feel lost than simply accept what other people tell me. I don't want to tell myself every morning that I believe in Jesus Christ, just because I'm not that sure I do. In the past, when I was in Church, I rarely doubted if Jesus is the real God, and had rarely doubted if everything in the Bible were correct. When I did have doubts, I asked people at Church and they answered. Sometimes I didn't really think the answers made perfect sense, but I thought it was because I wasn't as spiritual as they were. I accepted their answers and when people asked me questions, I told them what other people told me, which were things I had never verified myself. That was wrong.
Someone said different religions provide many pathways to get closer to the same God, but at the same time, not any religion can "own" / "define" God because individual religions are limited. I'm not sure if it's totally true, but for now, it makes more sense to me than just accepting everything the Bible tells me.
So, I didn't say I'm not a Christian because I am no longer close to Christ. And it's not like I dont' believe in God anymore. I do believe in God. As I've said, maybe one day I'll become a Christian again. If that's the case, I'll become a better Christian. Or maybe I never will. Whether or not I do, I am taking a step forward, because I am trying to find the truth.
So no worries, I'll be fine.
By the way, I love your blue sky green tree pic! :)
Take care!
Your SS :P
--------------------------------------------------
From: Scarlet Ma
Date: May 16, 2007
Subject: Re: Dear Darling...
To: Dorothy
--------------------------------------------------
Hey Darling
Just as I've discussed with Daniel, I believe there's a God. But why does it have to be the Christian God? That's the question!
I'm lost, because when I said I left Christianity, it means I've also left behind the whole way of life that religion tells me to live. Saying that I'm a Christian is a relatively easy way to know how to lead my life. I read the Bible, go to Church, and do what the Bible and the Church tells me to. The Bible and the Church people also tell me who I am, the reason why God created me, my purpose in life... And Church makes sure that you have someone to turn to when you are desperate. Christianity is the whole package. It's easy, much easier than to go through the painful process of finding out all the answers for yourself.
But I don't want to be lazy. I'd rather feel lost than simply accept what other people tell me. I don't want to tell myself every morning that I believe in Jesus Christ, just because I'm not that sure I do. In the past, when I was in Church, I rarely doubted if Jesus is the real God, and had rarely doubted if everything in the Bible were correct. When I did have doubts, I asked people at Church and they answered. Sometimes I didn't really think the answers made perfect sense, but I thought it was because I wasn't as spiritual as they were. I accepted their answers and when people asked me questions, I told them what other people told me, which were things I had never verified myself. That was wrong.
Someone said different religions provide many pathways to get closer to the same God, but at the same time, not any religion can "own" / "define" God because individual religions are limited. I'm not sure if it's totally true, but for now, it makes more sense to me than just accepting everything the Bible tells me.
So, I didn't say I'm not a Christian because I am no longer close to Christ. And it's not like I dont' believe in God anymore. I do believe in God. As I've said, maybe one day I'll become a Christian again. If that's the case, I'll become a better Christian. Or maybe I never will. Whether or not I do, I am taking a step forward, because I am trying to find the truth.
So no worries, I'll be fine.
By the way, I love your blue sky green tree pic! :)
Take care!
Your SS :P
--------------------------------------------------
Photo: Dorothy Lam
Friday, May 18, 2007
I love you too!
From my darling little cousin, who is 13 days younger than me:
Thank you Dorothy! I love you too!
My darling, I miss you.
You may be lost, you may not understand, you may think life is a mystery. It can be tough but it is said, seek and you shall find. Things around you are exciting, people around you are always busy-busy-busy, and life is sometimes just too colorful. Don't rush, don't just go with the flow. Slow down, pay attention and appreciate the little things around you. Look at the sky, oh how blue, look at the trees, oh how green. All of creation, oh how great. When I do that, I find myself so in love...with the Creator.
My darling, I love you.
Thank you Dorothy! I love you too!
火車
我是在火車的見證下長大的．
自一歲起，我家便從灣仔搬到上水火車站旁居住．那時的火車還是柴油火車，一小時才有一班．半年後，火車就全面電氣化了．
我家的窗子對著火車站，可以清楚看到每班來往的火車．我每天聽著火車聲，從不覺得吵耳，只是覺得親切．有時候工作至凌晨，第一班火車的聲音好像在鼓勵我，也像宣佈新的一天開始了！
中學時期，我的學校在大埔墟，每天都要坐二十分鐘的火車．我愛看沿途的風景．我通常都會坐在火車的右邊．往大埔墟看著東面，往上水看著西面，那就不會錯過途中的景色了．我常會沿路找尋上水往大埔的路徑，怎樣經過泳池，攀過小山丘，穿梭耕農的田寮，河邊的小公園．那時的我想，就算沒有火車，我也知道能怎麼步行回校．我雖然從未試過走過那可愛的小徑，但到了今天，我還是覺得在上水到大埔路途中的風景，是最美的．
在晴朗的日子，我愛看火車電纜的影子．隨著火車前進，電纜和陽光形成不同的角度．每條電纜影子的距離不斷改變，時而平行，時而交錯．影子投射在不同的平面上，在草原上，在碎石上，在混凝土上，或平地，或斜坡，形成不同的形狀．那千變萬化的組合，就像電纜每天也特意為我準備不同的表演．
但我最愛還是看下雨．百顆的水滴選順著火車的疾馳，向一樣的方向移動，留下痕跡，溜走，然後新的水滴又接連不斷．不同的水滴相遇又分開，過程中影響著彼此的路徑，像人生．我總會想像自己是當中的一顆，然後為著那水珠兒的遭遇感傷．
到了現在，我仍願意相信電纜影子和小水滴是有生命和靈魂的，他們仍舊在火車等著和我約會．
火車是我從小到大和外面世界接軌的唯一途徑．我特別喜歡坐在火車的頭尾卡．往九龍的第一卡，往上水的最尾卡．現在想來，這大概象徵著我是多麼嚮往向外闖，不愛回家．原來我自小就是一個野孩子了．
火車又是我探險的導引者，當我覺得鬱悶或迷失的時候，我總愛走上火車，然後在不熟悉的車站下車，在車站附近遊逛．陌生的環境總令我感到平靜，可以較容易地整理自己的思緒．火車像一個中介的角色，引領我到合適的地方，讓我重新整頓再出發．
從中一到現在，我差不多每天也要坐火車．除了看風景，看人，我也會看看書，聽音樂，寫小札記，畫畫畫．我很珍惜每天在火車上的時間，這是我和自己相處的時間，有點像每天的靈修．
（這是我普通話課的五分鐘講話，謝謝 謝老師！）
Picture from KCRC.
Monday, May 14, 2007
給你 － XXS 一週年
XXS 不經覺已有一週歲了！
開始這個blog的時候，原來只是想記下自己改變的歷程。就像報導，像照相。沒想到，寫著寫著，這些小記竟直接的參與我的成長。
白先勇先生在上一期的Metropop訪問說，「文學是一次自我發現的旅程」。我萬萬不敢說我寫的是文學！但透過寫作，我的確更加了解自己。寫blog post是很奇怪的self-construction的經驗。在躊躇寫甚麼和怎樣寫的過程中，我對「我」有新的體會和理解。
更意外的是，我的blog竟然有固定的讀者。謝謝你！你每一次的到訪，每一個留言，都是對我的blog，更是我個人的肯定。在這個自我尋求，認識，否定，拆毀，建構的過程中，你的肯定幾乎是我唯一的立足點。由衷的感激你！每一個正在看這篇文章的你！也籍著這個機會，誠摯地邀請你，繼續見證和參與我這個自我探索的旅程！
也邀請你一同慶祝XXS的一週歲：
請留下三個形容詞，形容你所認識的我。
再一次謝謝你！
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Congrat me!
Today is a day to be remembered.
For the very first time in my adult life,
I finished the whole course of my medication.
A FIVE-DAY medication course!
Wow...... What an achievement!
I'm so proud of myself!
Thursday, May 03, 2007
我們的關係 就這樣了
我四歲就認識他．我對他的感覺，大概就在那時候悄悄地萌芽．
往後的十二年，我不斷的從別人口中聽到他的好處．久而久之，我發現我竟喜歡上他了．
在我十六歲的時候，我決定要主動找他．然後不多久，我滿載著熱情的和他開始．我們發展得很快．我和他了解越深，我就越覺得自己幸運．我對自己說：是他了！我找到他了！
那時，我覺得自己是離不開他的了．我曾認真的對朋友說，如果失去了他，我的生命就會碎成一片片，不知怎可以生活下去．那時，我是真心這樣說的．
我決定要向他許下承諾．在眾人的見證下，我宣告我是一生跟定他的了．那時，我才十八歲．
我實在不記得，究竟自那時起我改變了．我發現了原來他外面的世界是如何複雜，又如何精彩．原來世界很大，我發覺我有很多選擇，而他未必就是我的唯一．了解到他並不像我以為般完美．
我懷疑，我掙扎，我失望，我迴避．．．然後．．．我慢慢和他疏遠了．．．我的熱情靜靜冷卻．．．直至，我已經再沒法理解，我曾經是怎樣能夠這樣投入在這段關係裡．．．
縱然如此，在我和他沒有再接觸的這兩年，在人前，我仍然願意承認我們的關係．畢竟一起經歷了這許多許多．我人生中最深刻的時光，都是他伴著我渡過的．何況，我依然相信，總有一天，我可以重拾當初的熱誠，與他重新開始．
但是到了今天，我沉痛的醒吾，原本我早已經不再愛他了．分開，是無法再迴避的了．．．
我的心在淌淚．．．
今天，是哀切的一天．．．
然而我確切的知道，我是向前走了重要的一步．
而那傷處，希望能隨著時間，沉澱．．．結疤．．．然後長出更美的新芽．．．
往後的十二年，我不斷的從別人口中聽到他的好處．久而久之，我發現我竟喜歡上他了．
在我十六歲的時候，我決定要主動找他．然後不多久，我滿載著熱情的和他開始．我們發展得很快．我和他了解越深，我就越覺得自己幸運．我對自己說：是他了！我找到他了！
那時，我覺得自己是離不開他的了．我曾認真的對朋友說，如果失去了他，我的生命就會碎成一片片，不知怎可以生活下去．那時，我是真心這樣說的．
我決定要向他許下承諾．在眾人的見證下，我宣告我是一生跟定他的了．那時，我才十八歲．
我實在不記得，究竟自那時起我改變了．我發現了原來他外面的世界是如何複雜，又如何精彩．原來世界很大，我發覺我有很多選擇，而他未必就是我的唯一．了解到他並不像我以為般完美．
我懷疑，我掙扎，我失望，我迴避．．．然後．．．我慢慢和他疏遠了．．．我的熱情靜靜冷卻．．．直至，我已經再沒法理解，我曾經是怎樣能夠這樣投入在這段關係裡．．．
縱然如此，在我和他沒有再接觸的這兩年，在人前，我仍然願意承認我們的關係．畢竟一起經歷了這許多許多．我人生中最深刻的時光，都是他伴著我渡過的．何況，我依然相信，總有一天，我可以重拾當初的熱誠，與他重新開始．
但是到了今天，我沉痛的醒吾，原本我早已經不再愛他了．分開，是無法再迴避的了．．．
我的心在淌淚．．．
今天，是哀切的一天．．．
然而我確切的知道，我是向前走了重要的一步．
而那傷處，希望能隨著時間，沉澱．．．結疤．．．然後長出更美的新芽．．．
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
偶遇？
晚上到studio畫畫，到了門外，才想起今天是公眾假期，studio休息．坐上地鐵，想要回家，卻忘了轉車，結果到了銅鑼灣．在銅鑼灣閒蕩，上了阿麥書房，買了Keren Ann的新CD，田原的書，和想不起買了沒有的二至三月字花．
走在喧嚷的人群中，我在想，我實在需要更多獨處的時間．
往時代廣場的途上，看見一個穿著黑衣牛仔褲的青年．他坐在人來人往的路中央，握著黑色墨水筆，低著頭，在單行本子上填上密密麻麻的文字．他的前方鋪著布製餐墊，上面放了一個缽子．他，是討錢的．
我好奇的停在一邊看他．五分鐘．．．十分鐘．．．他卻始終維持著相同的姿態，埋頭在寫作．他這樣專注，究竟在寫甚麼呢？
就在我猶豫好不好過去問問他，他突然抬起頭，望著我，然後，又繼續寫作．我卻不知怎地被這一瞬震動了，覺得自己很空洞．我帶著歉疚，在他的缽子放下二十元，匆匆地過馬路離去．
我立即就後悔了．我惱自己的怯懦．作為一個記者，怎可以連問問題的勇氣也提不起？
我決定折返，我走回那條路上，怎料，他卻消失了，再也尋不著了．．．
我錯過了一個有趣的故事．
不僅如此．．.
我相信，我更錯過了人生裡一個重要的時刻．．．
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