From Vilnius

I've just arrived Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania.

I spent the last three days in Krakow, the old capital of Poland. Before that we were in Warsaw. I think Krakow has a more cultured atmosphere. The old buildings there are really "old" buildings instead of post-war reconstructions - not like the old town of Warsaw.

There was a big event going on while we were there, the 750th anniversary of the incoporation of Krakow. There were classical music concert in the square. An unbelievably huge crowd went. That'd never happen in Hong Kong. You know, some Hong Kong people would prefer listening to Twins.

People (CCC) said Krakow is more touristy. I don't care. I like Krakow.


P.S. We went to a chamber music concert in a huge cathedral. It was touristy.

P.P.S. I've sent out six postcards from Poland. I wrote more or less the same things written here. So for those who are expecting a postcard. Do NOT read this post.

P.P.P.S. Oh, you've read it already? Too bad...

Eastern Europe June 1-23

CCC, Auntie Jacqueline, Uncle Martin and I are going to:

June 2-5: Warsaw, Poland
June 5-8: Krakow, Poland
June 8-11: Vilnius, Lithuania
June 11-14: Riga, Latvia
June 14-17: Tallinn, Estonia
June 17-18: Savonlinna, Finland
June 18-20: Kuopio, Finland
June 20-22: Helsinki, Finland

Welcome!

Our special guest,

HAPPY!

Happy is staying at my home for three weeks!

愛是．．． (給CCC)

你是一隻大笨象
沉重但可愛

愛是一隻大笨象
沉重但可愛

愛是一隻大笨象
誰也無可替代

而對著一隻大笨象
無奈　卻沒法不愛

沉重但可愛

《大笨象》　林一峰

愛是一個決定？

「愛是一個決定。」

Daniel如是說。KWX如是說。

我曾經也這樣以為。
愛是決定。愛是付出。愛是受苦。
耶穌在世界的一生就表現了這樣的愛。

那時的我說：我要學像耶穌。
於是我每天去決定。

可惜．．．我不過是一個人．．．
我受不了苦．．．我放棄了．．．
我告訴自己：愛不可能是這樣的。
如果愛是這樣的，我承擔不了．．．
畢竟，我只是一個人．．．

然後，我對愛有了新的體會。

愛，其實可以很簡單直接。
只要做回自己，那就是愛了。
我發現愛裡竟然也有幸福，也有快樂。

但到了今天，我猶豫了．．．

我是找對了？還是想錯了？

究竟愛，到了最後，是不是只是一個決定？

這一天

生日快樂

想念你

HUGE Suprise from CCC

BIG TOE

Big Toe is very busy, but he's
going to take care of
everything. Just Watch.
At first, Big Toe may seem a
little slow...until you realize
he's always one step ahead.
Those donuts you were saving for tomorrow?
Gone.
Those leftovers from the picnic?
Done.
Big Toe's on top of things!
An unstoppable force of knowledge,
Big Toe's got the scoop
on all the latest info, and knows
what's going down at all times...
Except for when it comes to you.
What's up with you?
Big Toe wants to know.

An email

--------------------------------------------------
From: Scarlet Ma
Date: May 16, 2007
Subject: Re: Dear Darling...
To: Dorothy
--------------------------------------------------

Hey Darling

Just as I've discussed with Daniel, I believe there's a God. But why does it have to be the Christian God? That's the question!

I'm lost, because when I said I left Christianity, it means I've also left behind the whole way of life that religion tells me to live. Saying that I'm a Christian is a relatively easy way to know how to lead my life. I read the Bible, go to Church, and do what the Bible and the Church tells me to. The Bible and the Church people also tell me who I am, the reason why God created me, my purpose in life... And Church makes sure that you have someone to turn to when you are desperate. Christianity is the whole package. It's easy, much easier than to go through the painful process of finding out all the answers for yourself.

But I don't want to be lazy. I'd rather feel lost than simply accept what other people tell me. I don't want to tell myself every morning that I believe in Jesus Christ, just because I'm not that sure I do. In the past, when I was in Church, I rarely doubted if Jesus is the real God, and had rarely doubted if everything in the Bible were correct. When I did have doubts, I asked people at Church and they answered. Sometimes I didn't really think the answers made perfect sense, but I thought it was because I wasn't as spiritual as they were. I accepted their answers and when people asked me questions, I told them what other people told me, which were things I had never verified myself. That was wrong.

Someone said different religions provide many pathways to get closer to the same God, but at the same time, not any religion can "own" / "define" God because individual religions are limited. I'm not sure if it's totally true, but for now, it makes more sense to me than just accepting everything the Bible tells me.

So, I didn't say I'm not a Christian because I am no longer close to Christ. And it's not like I dont' believe in God anymore. I do believe in God. As I've said, maybe one day I'll become a Christian again. If that's the case, I'll become a better Christian. Or maybe I never will. Whether or not I do, I am taking a step forward, because I am trying to find the truth.

So no worries, I'll be fine.

By the way, I love your blue sky green tree pic! :)

Take care!

Your SS :P

--------------------------------------------------

Photo: Dorothy Lam

I love you too!

From my darling little cousin, who is 13 days younger than me:

My darling, I miss you.

You may be lost, you may not understand, you may think life is a mystery. It can be tough but it is said, seek and you shall find. Things around you are exciting, people around you are always busy-busy-busy, and life is sometimes just too colorful. Don't rush, don't just go with the flow. Slow down, pay attention and appreciate the little things around you. Look at the sky, oh how blue, look at the trees, oh how green. All of creation, oh how great. When I do that, I find myself so in love...with the Creator.

My darling, I love you.

Thank you Dorothy! I love you too!

火車

我是在火車的見證下長大的．

自一歲起，我家便從灣仔搬到上水火車站旁居住．那時的火車還是柴油火車，一小時才有一班．半年後，火車就全面電氣化了．

我家的窗子對著火車站，可以清楚看到每班來往的火車．我每天聽著火車聲，從不覺得吵耳，只是覺得親切．有時候工作至凌晨，第一班火車的聲音好像在鼓勵我，也像宣佈新的一天開始了！

中學時期，我的學校在大埔墟，每天都要坐二十分鐘的火車．我愛看沿途的風景．我通常都會坐在火車的右邊．往大埔墟看著東面，往上水看著西面，那就不會錯過途中的景色了．我常會沿路找尋上水往大埔的路徑，怎樣經過泳池，攀過小山丘，穿梭耕農的田寮，河邊的小公園．那時的我想，就算沒有火車，我也知道能怎麼步行回校．我雖然從未試過走過那可愛的小徑，但到了今天，我還是覺得在上水到大埔路途中的風景，是最美的．

在晴朗的日子，我愛看火車電纜的影子．隨著火車前進，電纜和陽光形成不同的角度．每條電纜影子的距離不斷改變，時而平行，時而交錯．影子投射在不同的平面上，在草原上，在碎石上，在混凝土上，或平地，或斜坡，形成不同的形狀．那千變萬化的組合，就像電纜每天也特意為我準備不同的表演．

但我最愛還是看下雨．百顆的水滴選順著火車的疾馳，向一樣的方向移動，留下痕跡，溜走，然後新的水滴又接連不斷．不同的水滴相遇又分開，過程中影響著彼此的路徑，像人生．我總會想像自己是當中的一顆，然後為著那水珠兒的遭遇感傷．

到了現在，我仍願意相信電纜影子和小水滴是有生命和靈魂的，他們仍舊在火車等著和我約會．

火車是我從小到大和外面世界接軌的唯一途徑．我特別喜歡坐在火車的頭尾卡．往九龍的第一卡，往上水的最尾卡．現在想來，這大概象徵著我是多麼嚮往向外闖，不愛回家．原來我自小就是一個野孩子了．

火車又是我探險的導引者，當我覺得鬱悶或迷失的時候，我總愛走上火車，然後在不熟悉的車站下車，在車站附近遊逛．陌生的環境總令我感到平靜，可以較容易地整理自己的思緒．火車像一個中介的角色，引領我到合適的地方，讓我重新整頓再出發．

從中一到現在，我差不多每天也要坐火車．除了看風景，看人，我也會看看書，聽音樂，寫小札記，畫畫畫．我很珍惜每天在火車上的時間，這是我和自己相處的時間，有點像每天的靈修．


（這是我普通話課的五分鐘講話，謝謝　謝老師！）

Picture from KCRC.

給你 － XXS 一週年

XXS 不經覺已有一週歲了！

開始這個blog的時候，原來只是想記下自己改變的歷程。就像報導，像照相。沒想到，寫著寫著，這些小記竟直接的參與我的成長。

白先勇先生在上一期的Metropop訪問說，「文學是一次自我發現的旅程」。我萬萬不敢說我寫的是文學！但透過寫作，我的確更加了解自己。寫blog post是很奇怪的self-construction的經驗。在躊躇寫甚麼和怎樣寫的過程中，我對「我」有新的體會和理解。

更意外的是，我的blog竟然有固定的讀者。謝謝你！你每一次的到訪，每一個留言，都是對我的blog，更是我個人的肯定。在這個自我尋求，認識，否定，拆毀，建構的過程中，你的肯定幾乎是我唯一的立足點。由衷的感激你！每一個正在看這篇文章的你！也籍著這個機會，誠摯地邀請你，繼續見證和參與我這個自我探索的旅程！

也邀請你一同慶祝XXS的一週歲：

請留下三個形容詞，形容你所認識的我。

再一次謝謝你！

An ordinary statement

I'm more ordinary than most people in the world.

Congrat me!

Today is a day to be remembered.
For the very first time in my adult life,
I finished the whole course of my medication.
A FIVE-DAY medication course!

Wow...... What an achievement!

I'm so proud of myself!

我們的關係 就這樣了

我四歲就認識他．我對他的感覺，大概就在那時候悄悄地萌芽．

往後的十二年，我不斷的從別人口中聽到他的好處．久而久之，我發現我竟喜歡上他了．

在我十六歲的時候，我決定要主動找他．然後不多久，我滿載著熱情的和他開始．我們發展得很快．我和他了解越深，我就越覺得自己幸運．我對自己說：是他了！我找到他了！

那時，我覺得自己是離不開他的了．我曾認真的對朋友說，如果失去了他，我的生命就會碎成一片片，不知怎可以生活下去．那時，我是真心這樣說的．

我決定要向他許下承諾．在眾人的見證下，我宣告我是一生跟定他的了．那時，我才十八歲．

我實在不記得，究竟自那時起我改變了．我發現了原來他外面的世界是如何複雜，又如何精彩．原來世界很大，我發覺我有很多選擇，而他未必就是我的唯一．了解到他並不像我以為般完美．

我懷疑，我掙扎，我失望，我迴避．．．然後．．．我慢慢和他疏遠了．．．我的熱情靜靜冷卻．．．直至，我已經再沒法理解，我曾經是怎樣能夠這樣投入在這段關係裡．．．

縱然如此，在我和他沒有再接觸的這兩年，在人前，我仍然願意承認我們的關係．畢竟一起經歷了這許多許多．我人生中最深刻的時光，都是他伴著我渡過的．何況，我依然相信，總有一天，我可以重拾當初的熱誠，與他重新開始．

但是到了今天，我沉痛的醒吾，原本我早已經不再愛他了．分開，是無法再迴避的了．．．

我的心在淌淚．．．

今天，是哀切的一天．．．

然而我確切的知道，我是向前走了重要的一步．

而那傷處，希望能隨著時間，沉澱．．．結疤．．．然後長出更美的新芽．．．

偶遇？

晚上到studio畫畫，到了門外，才想起今天是公眾假期，studio休息．坐上地鐵，想要回家，卻忘了轉車，結果到了銅鑼灣．在銅鑼灣閒蕩，上了阿麥書房，買了Keren Ann的新CD，田原的書，和想不起買了沒有的二至三月字花．

走在喧嚷的人群中，我在想，我實在需要更多獨處的時間．

往時代廣場的途上，看見一個穿著黑衣牛仔褲的青年．他坐在人來人往的路中央，握著黑色墨水筆，低著頭，在單行本子上填上密密麻麻的文字．他的前方鋪著布製餐墊，上面放了一個缽子．他，是討錢的．

我好奇的停在一邊看他．五分鐘．．．十分鐘．．．他卻始終維持著相同的姿態，埋頭在寫作．他這樣專注，究竟在寫甚麼呢？

就在我猶豫好不好過去問問他，他突然抬起頭，望著我，然後，又繼續寫作．我卻不知怎地被這一瞬震動了，覺得自己很空洞．我帶著歉疚，在他的缽子放下二十元，匆匆地過馬路離去．

我立即就後悔了．我惱自己的怯懦．作為一個記者，怎可以連問問題的勇氣也提不起？

我決定折返，我走回那條路上，怎料，他卻消失了，再也尋不著了．．．

我錯過了一個有趣的故事．

不僅如此．．.

我相信，我更錯過了人生裡一個重要的時刻．．．

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

晚上和媽咪去看 London Symphony Orchestra 演唱會，有郎朗的 piano solo．

是我給她的生日禮物．

我祝媽咪生日快樂，媽咪帶著笑說：咁又賺左一年喇．．．

我的心在抽痛．．．

這兩年，她實在經歷了很多．．．

而我，卻沒能夠和她分擔．．．

媽咪，對不起．．．

來年一定會比今年好，一定！

After all, tomorrow is another day.


P.S. Today is also CCC's Dad's birthday!

Happy Birthday, Uncle Martin!

@ Tai O

Photo: Tracey Tong

那天和他們到大澳．

我對他說，如果可以在大澳租一間棚屋，過一年半載的半隱居生活，畫畫畫，看看書，聽聽音樂，閒時和村民聊聊天，缺錢時做些freelance，那該會有多頰意啊！

然後，他竟說他也想過這樣的生活，還問實在可不可行．

如果我們都住棚屋，可以下下棋，還可以談書談音樂談世界談夢想．．．

我多麼希望我們不只是空談．然而，這樣的話又豈能當真呢．．．

近來偶爾也會想，實在應該趁年輕的時候多容許自己任性．

我們豁出去罷！去放任罷！去浪漫罷！

說時多激昂，多興奮，但到了要付諸實行，誰又真的能夠豁得出去呢？

Sigh... If only we could...

P.S. 看了池莉的書，竟羨慕書裡那些主角．她們的結局都悲傷．但她們闖過，錯過，痛過，也就不枉了．．．

P.P.S. 我真是少年不識愁滋味！

計程車司機

常常覺得計程車司機是一個很有趣的行業。他們困在小小的空間裡，沒有同事，沒有朋友，但卻會遇到各行各業各式各樣的陌生人。每天聽乘客對話，和乘客聊天。計程車司機們是社會的旁觀者，他們用獨特的角度看世界。而在抽離的角色裡，他們有更多的機會反思自己和世界的事情。

我常常和計程車司機們聊天。聽過有些計程車司機，對時事，經濟或政治，有獨到擊節的見解。計程車司機們藏著很多故事，累積了很多生活的智慧，等著與人分享。也見過些計程車司機，有著古怪的念頭和想像，在小小的車箱裡面發展成奇異的世界。

有些計程車司機也許表面看來很冷漠，但只要打開了他的話匣子，他就有說不完的話了。上個月中，正是繁花放的時候，我坐計程車經過一棵火紅色的樹，好奇的問司機那樹叫什麼名字。原來是木棉。我告訴司機我小時候看過木棉雨，就在北區軍地附近。熟透的木棉隨風飄落在大草原上，就像童話裡的畫面一樣。不過現在已經再也看不到了。他就告訴我他他家從前是種稻田的。他說他最懷念收成的時候，金黃色的稻麥波浪在秋風中發出沙沙的聲音。他還告訴我很多種稻田的往事那些畫面很美麗，單是想像已經叫我嚮往。真想找一個農村住個一年半載。可惜香港已經再沒有稻田了。然後我們都靜默了。臨下車的時候他突然說: 你一定是一個好人，因為現在很少人關心大自然的了。我聽了都不知怎麼反應才好。

有一次我乘計程車，和司機談到什麼是幸福。他說幸福就是知足。他說他每天最滿足的時候，就是晚飯後和太太逛公園。偶爾在超市買一支廉價的紅酒，和家人一起分享，就是最大的幸福了。他面上帶著微笑，告訴我很多他家裡的逸事，說到都不願停了。車到了。他把車停在一邊，再說了十分鐘。才說不耽誤我的時間了，該讓我下車了。那一刻，我相信他實在是一個幸福的人。然後我想，其實我也算是挺幸福的了。

又有一次我乘計程車去上環的畫室。司機看見我的畫板，知道我是畫畫的，就推介了一系列掛在中環文武廟外牆，畫佛的生平的畫。他特別選了一條經過文武廟的路，解釋那批畫的歷史、內容、和藝術價值。他說他很想掛那些畫在家，找了很久也找不到複製品，還叫我臨摹那些畫賣給他呢。老實說，我對畫佛像和佛像畫都沒有甚麼興趣，但我仍很開心他和我分享。

就在上個星期，我遇到了我見過最有趣的計程車司機。那天是我很倒霉，工作不順心，心情很沮喪。在車上和一個同事談電話，司機聽到我說英文，他突然說：我有一個建議，你聽聽可不可行。我聽你的英文說得不錯，不如你教我英文，我教你人的智慧罷。然後他問我知不知道什麼是智慧。我呆了一下。心想：我都已經不在狀態了，還要答這樣深奧的問題，於是我就敷衍的說：嗯...智慧嘛...大概就是...知道..該怎樣生活吧...他說：全錯！以後的十五分鐘，他都在長篇大論說他那些似是而非的道理。甚麼智慧分七種、方向感、語言、創作、自然、甚麼甚麼甚麼甚麼的。還不時訕笑我沒智慧。我越聽越想笑，卻怕不禮貌，唯有忍著笑點頭裝懂。然後他不知怎麼說到他有超能力。甚麼？超能力？？？我再也按捺不住了，大笑起來。我著實很感激他，因為他的超能力，我一整天的鬱悶都消失得無影無蹤了。

計程車司機們實在很可愛。他們都有說不完的故事。下次乘計程車，記著和司機多說幾句話呀！說不定他會告訴你更有趣的故事呢！


（這是我普通話課的五分鐘講話，謝謝　謝老師！）


Original picture here.

Follow-up on Valentine's Day

After reading our Valentine's Day Special cover story, Sharing the Secret of Everlasting Love, on February 2, one reader was so touched that he approached us to donate a small sum of money anonymously so that the old couple featured in the story could go out for a good meal on Valentine’s Day or at their golden anniversary.

“We were very excited that the story of their plight hit a chord with readers... Being able to help people through reporting is very rewarding,” said Scarlet Ma, the journalist who wrote the piece.

Quoted from scmpimpression, March 2007 issue

There were two more readers responded to the piece, one offered the Ng couple a washing machine, another offered them a dining coupon. I bought Mrs Ng some wool, because when I interviewed them, she was knitting with the wool from decades-old sweaters.